


Delving into the Darkness

by Avirra



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Timeframe - Season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avirra/pseuds/Avirra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid pays a visit to a Life Coach for help with trust issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Delving into the Darkness

_**'It was a mistake,' you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.**_ David Levithan

* * *

Reid hesitated at the door, staring at the plate by the door as he did. Shawn Paulson - Life Coach. This whole 'life coach' business seemed like pseudo-science at best and fraud at worst to his mind. Still, there was more than one reason for him to be here, so he closed his eyes, drew a deep breath and knocked.

"Come in."

The voice was light and almost motherly in tone. He opened the door to find himself being greeted by a smiling woman that he guessed was in her early forties. The bright fuchsia blouse she wore over a long, full pale grey skirt wasn't exactly the kind of outfit he would have expected a life coach to wear, though when he thought about it, Reid was hard pressed to think what would be the standard attire for that profession. That train of thought was dropped as she offered him her hand and he took it as the door shut behind him.

"You must be Spencer. Nice to finally meet you. You aren't quite what I had pictured, but then again, I doubt I'm what you had pictured either."

A small, slightly hesitant smile formed. He was never quite comfortable when people went straight to calling him by his first name, but it didn't seem worth remarking on.

"No, ma'am. Not exactly."

She gave a small laugh, keeping hold of his hand and leading him further into the room. Shoes as bright as her blouse peeked out from beneath her skirt as she stopped in front of a orange chair that reminded him a little too much of a dentist's chair. Her brown eyes lit up in amusement as she seemed to catch his thoughts. Well, he probably wasn't the first to pause at the chair's appearance.

"Go on and sit on it. It won't bite. And yes, it was designed for a dentist's office, but I like the wide variety of positions it can mold into. We'll figure out which one is your best one a little later, but let's start off with how I can help you. You said over the phone that you want to learn how to trust more . . . wisely?"

"That is essentially correct, yes ma'am. I'd like to enter into a relationship eventually, but I think with the way I feel currently that I'll never let anyone close enough. Or that I'll let the wrong person too close."

"Please, call me Shawn. Can I take it from how your phrased that that in the past you believe that you gave trust less than wisely? Did someone violate your trust?"

"It felt like it at the time. But the more thought I put into it, the more it seems like it is my own problem and not anyone else's. I had thought that if I felt close to someone that they probably felt the same way towards me. I mean, just because I look at someone as a father figure, it doesn't mean they view me as a son. I can see that now. I couldn't then. I trusted that they'd be there for me and then?"

Reid just gave a small shrug, then a little jump as the chair shifted underneath him.

"Sorry. Just try to relax and ignore the chair movements, Spencer. So - are you looking for someone like your father?"

The sound coming from him was half-laugh/half-snort.

"Hardly."

She waited quietly, tugging lightly on one of her loose brunette curls until it became obvious that he wasn't going to elaborate. After a moment of debate, she shifted focus slightly.

"Do you ever try to find a mother figure?"

The sudden tension was almost palatable and his voice crisp and cold as icy snow.

"I have a mother."

"Brothers? Sisters?"

The words of his mother ran through his mind. 'Why mess with perfection?' Shawn wondered about the slight smile that played on the man's lips as he answered.

"No. I was an only child."

"What about your peers in school?"

"I didn't have any peers in school."

"That sounds a bit vain, Spencer."

"Does it? It was just a statement of fact. When I graduated high school, I was six years younger than my classmates. Does that sound like equals to you? Most of the guys in my class could pick me up one handed."

"Did they?"

"Sometimes. Fairly often actually."

"Nicely?"

"Rarely. Would you please stop moving the chair?"

"It's part of the way I do a session, Spencer. Just try and ignore it. You've been in the so-called adult world for awhile now. Any issues since then?"

He didn't bother to correct her assumption that his father-figure had been from his school days, but moved on.

"A woman friend. I'd thought we were close, but it turned out she'd been in an abusive situation. She'd thought she'd gotten away from him, but he came back. She went into hiding. I thought she was hidden from all of us."

"Some of her other friends knew where she was, I take it?"

"Yes. Even though I know that in situations like that, the fewer people that know, the better, it still stung. Not only that she felt that they could be trusted more than I could, but that the others lied and I believed them. Some profiler I am, huh? When I can't even tell when the people I'm around every day are lying to me."

"Most likely, it's because they were close to you that they were able to do it. You were taking her being gone hard?"

She listened as he drew in a deep breath and pressed a control to lower the lights when she noted his eyes were closed.

"Yes. I took her being gone badly."

"It would only have been natural to assume the others close to her were also taking it badly. You are obviously capable of deep empathy. Any unusual changes in them, you likely attributed to the same stress you knew that you were experiencing. Your unit is a close knit group."

"Yes. It is mostly. Why is it darker in here?"

"Don't concern yourself with the environmental factors, Spencer. Just trust me. I have everything under control. You said 'mostly'. There's a deeper trust that's been violated, isn't there?"

He stiffened and Shawn adjusted the chair again, causing him to stiffen even more before he spoke.

"I'd rather not go into that."

"There are exercises and other therapies I can use to help you with your issues about trusting wisely, Spencer, but if I don't know what we're up against, I might choose the wrong approach. Remember, I'm just here to coach you. You have the means to help yourself, you just need someone to show you the path. I'm the guide, but I need to know the terrain."

He drew in another long breath and she lowered the lights further.

"I don't care for the dark."

"Pay no attention to it. Just think of it as a warm blanket."

"One of my teammates. Older male. He . . well, we have to share rooms sometimes. Budgets. I'd gotten injured. Nothing big, but the doctor put me on muscle relaxers. By the time I woke up enough from the medication to realize what was happening, I couldn't do anything to stop him."

"You didn't tell anyone?"

"Who would I tell? Or more accurately, who would I tell that would believe me? Shawn? This is highly uncomfortable with my head lower than the rest of my body."

"Just relax. You'll adjust in a moment. I've got the control."

"You like that, don't you?"

"Pardon?"

"Control. More specifically, you like being in control of others."

"I believe we're getting off topic, Spencer."

"Are we? It happened to you like it did to me, didn't it? You trusted someone older. Someone you looked up to. They took advantage, didn't they?"

Reid went silent for a moment and in that moment, she silently cursed the darkness even though she had been the one to cause it. She wanted to see his face, but she didn't want to give in by bringing the lights up. Then she heard him start to speak again. So softly that she had to strain to hear him.

"It's not trust with you, is it, Shawn? It's control. They took control from you. You took theirs. That explains the last three, but not the first two. Why them? They were both raped. Looking to move on with their lives"

"Mudding the waters. Or so I thought."

"That wasn't really it, was it? You saw yourself in them. Someone that lost control over their situations. Like you did."

"And like you. You seem nice. It's a shame you'll be joining the body count, Spencer."

He heard the sound and knew they'd guessed the right weapon. A switchblade. Keeping his eyes closed, he concentrated on any sound she might make and spoke again softly.

"No, not like me."

"Pardon?"

"I made it all up. What I told you. Fantasy. And what trust issues I've had in the past? I've already worked them out to my satisfaction. Everything you've said has been recorded. Emily? Do we have what we need?"

Shawn let out a screech and lunged for him in the dark. Reid was ready for that and struck out blindly in the direction he heard her coming from even as the door burst open, kicked in by Derek Morgan. Morgan froze for a moment at the woman's scream, then quickly moved in as Emily and Hotch followed, hitting the light control by the door.

Reid was getting into a sitting position on the oddly angled chair as Shawn was cursing and sobbing. Her blade had fallen from her hand when Reid struck, landing point first into her foot. Hotch called for paramedics as Morgan kept an eye on their suspect.

Emily moved to help Reid.

"Your hand is bleeding."

Seeming genuinely surprised at that, he looked down and noted a surprising amount of blood.

"I'll be. I never even felt it. That's one sharp blade."

As Emily grabbed a handkerchief from her jacket pocket to press against the cut, she thought back to Reid's words that they'd been listening to over the wire he was wearing. The father figure leaving him behind sounded a lot like Gideon. The woman fleeing her abuser could easily be a rewrite of herself and Ian Doyle. Did that mean that there actually was an older man that had taken advantage of Reid? He'd said everything with such conviction.

As she continued to apply pressure, her eyes lifted to meet his and he gave her a small smile.

"I'm fine, Emily."

She gave him a smile in return, knowing she couldn't bring herself to ask. Not because she was afraid he wouldn't tell her - because she was afraid that he would.

* * *

_**Knowing can be a curse on a person's life.**_ Sue Monk Kidd


End file.
